By Shaenon K. Garrity
Our columnists are independent writers who choose subjects and write without editorial input from comiXology. The opinions expressed are the columnist's, and do not represent the opinion of comiXology.
Hosting a social event for cartoonists presents a special challenge to the gracious host or hostess. Guests are likely to show up very hungry, slightly drunk, and with duct tape covering the holes in the seats of their pants. Fights will break out over Wacom tablets. Ink will stain your throw pillows. At some point in the evening you will most certainly be forced to listen to someone recite the complete plot of Grant Morrison's
New X-Men. There may be strip Jenga. And only Craig Thompson will get laid.
For those who still wish to learn the art of Wholesome Comics Entertaining, here are some tips for the novice host or hostess.
1. The Invitations
For a traditional, non-cartoonist party, one sends an invitation with RSVP in the mail, or perhaps the modern, informal option of an online evite. For cartoonists, one wants to send the paper invitation, the evite, several follow-up emails, at least three voice mails, and a brick through the window. It may be necessary to go to the cartoonists' homes or studios and hit them until they follow you to the party. These are not people who are comfortable with the concept of socializing.
The most important information to include about the event is whether you will be serving food. Printing FOOD in enormous letters at the top of each invitation vastly improves the chances that cartoonists will come.
No cartoonist will ever cross water to attend a party.
2. The Food
At home, cartoonists live on ramen. The rich ones live on cooked ramen. They will leave their homes or studios willingly if they think they can score at least one free meal. When planning your party, be sure not to schedule against any gallery openings within a twenty-mile radius, because those guys put out party platters. Never hold an event on a Sunday. That's free sample day at Safeway.
The quality or type of food is much less important than quantity. Buy in bulk. For many of your guests, this will be dinner for the next week.
3. The Drink
Almost as important as the food. Stock your bar according to the type of cartoonist you plan to entertain.
Webcartoonists: six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Indie Cartoonists: Two-Buck Chuck, fruit-flavored vodkas made in somebody's sink.
Superhero Artists (Non-Mormon): Three-Buck Chuck. That's right, these guys can afford to shop at the new Joe's outlets.
Newspaper Strip Cartoonists: Eight to twelve quarts of hard liquor per person.
If your guests bring a bottle, it will probably be a two-liter of Coke. Make them finish the bottle that's already in the fridge before they open a fresh one.
4. The Entertainment
The ultimate in gracious entertainment for cartoonists is a stripper who costs ten dollars or less. That's why people go to those Dr. Sketchy's things.
Failing that, see if you can get some non-threatening teenage girls to show up.
Failing that, it's time for a jam comic and more booze.
Under no circumstances should one allow cartoonists to suggest party activities. This is how one finds oneself arm-wrestling a Xeric recipient. Who cheats.
5. The Decor
Cartoonists are most comfortable when surrounded by piles upon piles of beautiful comics. If you let the guests remove them from their mylar bags and read them, this also takes care of the evening's entertainment, assuming you couldn't get that stripper.
If you don't own piles upon piles of beautiful comics, I don't know what to tell you. Why do you want to have a bunch of cartoonists over to your house? I don't know, maybe you could throw your party in the back room of Comic Relief.
6. Party Attire
Dear WCE,
At my last cartoonist soiree, three of us wore the same vintage pinstripe suit with string tie and straw boater. I thought the bamboo strolling stick I'd bought off eBay was unique, but it looks like Velocipedester1917 lied to me again! Dash it all to Hades! How can I avoid this faux pas in the future?
--Not Seth, But Another Guy Who Does the Same Thing
Ever since the invention of R. Crumb, indie cartoonists have been dangerously tempted to experiment with the old-timey lifestyle. The movie Ghost World, with its message that collecting three million jazz records and a pile of racist 1920s artwork is a surefire way to get Thora Birch naked, only worsened the situation. Take it from an industry veteran: you may think you can buy one ironic porkpie hat from the thrift store and stop there, but you're poised at the top of a slippery slope that ends in sock garters. Back away now.
If you must adopt a vintage look, consider a different era. The English Restoration Period has a lot of potential. Another good look: antebellum Southern colonel. As long as you dress like you wish you'd been born in the days when black people stayed out of sight and women could be beaten without fear of reprisal, the comics world will embrace you.
Dear WCE,
My Green Lantern costume shows a lot of batch. Is this a good look?
--Looking for Matching Power Ring
Only if you are gay and have a big walrus mustache. In that case, yes, extremely so.
7. Farewells
Half your guests will leave after an hour because they've had a little too much excitement for one day and their parents don't like them to be out late. The other half will still be living with you a week later, possibly in the walls of your house.
8. Some Suggested Events
The Jam Comic - The guests take turns contributing a panel to a massive group comic. Two guests are really into it and insist on keeping it up until they finally run out of butcher paper at three AM. Everyone else gets drunk on mysterious Chinese bourbon from under the sink and passes out. The next day, a fight breaks out over who gets to post the jam comic on Facebook.
The 24 Hour Comic - The guests stay up for 24 hours, each drawing a complete 24-page comic. Many cartoonists consider this the most exhilarating way to spend a weekend. This is why cartoonists don't get invited to good parties.
The Cock-Block - The one unattached woman in the guests' social circle shows up. Hilarity ensues. WARNING: May devolve into feasts of manly strength.
The Sack of Manga - The host or hostess has accumulated an ungodly amount of terrible manga and offers to give it away to all comers. Everyone leaves with armloads of manga and a faint feeling of shame. A gravy boat goes missing.
The Sack of Booze - Much better than the sack of manga.
Shaenon K. Garrity is a manga editor at Viz Media and is best known for her webcomics Narbonic and Skin Horse.
All the Comics in the World is © Shaenon K. Garrity, 2010
