By Shaenon K. Garrity
Our columnists are independent writers who choose subjects and write without editorial input from comiXology. The opinions expressed are the columnist's, and do not represent the opinion of comiXology.
Shaenon: What's that you're looking at on Wikipedia? It can't be as interesting as me.
Andrew: It's not. Don't look.
Shaenon: "List of Black Lanterns"? I knew it!
Andrew: Crud.
Shaenon: You stopped reading DC's "Blackest Night" crossover because it got too stupid, but you're still following all the plot developments so you can keep up on continuity!
Andrew: It was stupid from the beginning. This is the one where they fight with rainbow powers, remember?
Shaenon: See, I think that's an awesome idea for a comic book. For ten-year-olds. It's the part where it's being written for adults that worries me. For adults and with crying and stuff.
Andrew: What about the part where all their dead friends and enemies get resurrected as evil zombie Lanterns? Is that appropriate for kids?
Shaenon: Yeah, that's good too. It's like the final arc in Knights of the Zodiac, where all the Knights who got killed in previous volumes come back as minions of Hades, god of the underworld.
Andrew: That sounds goofy.
Shaenon: It's awesome if you're ten. And Japanese.
Andrew: Yeah, well, it's not just the dead heroes who get turned into Black Lanterns. It's dead everyone. Dick Grayson's parents, Tim Drake's parents...
Shaenon: Did Bruce Wayne's parents get turned?
Andrew: No, because Bruce Wayne's technically dead right now. I think you can only come back as a Black Lantern to interact with someone living.
Shaenon: Didn't Bruce's parents know anyone else? In, like, the world?
Andrew: No. I don't know. My shoes hurt.
Shaenon: Wait, is that Terry Long on the list?
Andrew: Yeah.
Shaenon: Terry Long is a Black Lantern?
Andrew: At this point it's almost everyone who ever died in a DC comic.
Shaenon: But that's not scary! Terry Long is not scary!
Andrew: You've obviously never seen him driving that van around the middle school.
Shaenon: Creepy is different from scary! This isn't an army of darkness! This is one of those "This Is Your Life" segments on "Sesame Street"!
Andrew: It does feel like it needs a Guy Smiley.
Shaenon: Are there any Super-Pets? Where's Beppo the Super-Monkey? He's gotta be dead by now, right?
Andrew: No animals, but they do have Cliff Steele's original body.
Shaenon: What? No! What? How does that work?
Andrew: I'm just reading this off Wikipedia.
Shaenon: It doesn't have a brain in it! How is it flying around being evil? I'm shouting! This bothers me deeply!
Andrew: Firestorm came back even though his entire body got destroyed. Apparently you can get revived if you've got no brain, and also if you've got no body.
Shaenon: If Robotman's original body can come back, can any individual body part come back? What about Aquaman's hand?
Andrew: It could be the ringleader.
Shaenon: In a black glove.
Andrew: Actually, Aquaman's dead, so his whole self got turned into a Black Lantern.
Shaenon: Ringleader. I saw what you did there.
Andrew: I didn't even suspect he could be a Black Lantern before he showed up, because I didn't know he was dead. I'm really behind on this stuff.
Shaenon: What about, like, an evil foot? What about Doctor Light's penis?
Andrew: Doctor Light died. He's a Black Lantern now.
Shaenon: The Black Lantern Corps ought to be composed of the most evil villains in the DC Universe, and that means the Joker, Lex Luthor, and Doctor Light's rapey penis.
Andrew: I told you, Doctor Light's in the Corps. With his junk.
Shaenon: I just can't get on board with this army of miscellaneous people and aliens and mailboxes and stuff.
Andrew: But now there's speculation that Guy Gardner could be able to wield the Red Lantern Ring, which is powered by rage.
Shaenon: Wait, their jewelry is powered by feelings? Like in Sailor Moon? What's the Green Lantern Ring powered by?
Andrew: Willpower.
Shaenon: That seems random. What about the Blue Lantern Ring?
Andrew: Hope.
Shaenon: Purple?
Andrew: I think it's "Violet," and it's love, because that's Star Sapphire's thing.
Shaenon: Well, of course. She's a girl.
Andrew: There are also living embodiments of power batteries, including Parallax, Ion, and the Predator.
Shaenon: The Predator from the movies?
Andrew: No, the Predator who's the living embodiment of the purple power.
Shaenon: Which is love.
Andrew: Yes.
Shaenon: And not gayness.
Andrew: No.
Shaenon: Why is the living embodiment of love something called the Predator?
Andrew: We're getting off track. The point is, Guy Gardner was able to wield both the Yellow Lantern Ring and the Green Lantern Ring, so there's speculation that he could wield all the color rings. This is important, because then all the colors could combine to create the White Lantern Ring, the only ring powerful enough to stop the Black Lantern Rings.
Shaenon: This is complicated.
Andrew: Not really. It's kind of like the Care Bears.
Shaenon: Again, the basic concept would make an awesome comic for ten-year-olds.
Andrew: Or Rainbow Brite.
Shaenon: But at this point the ten-year-olds would be starting to have their doubts.
Andrew: Well, the thirty-year-olds are loving it.
Shaenon: They would.
(Several days later.)
Shaenon: You did not tell me they were calling this concept "The Emotional Spectrum."
Andrew: Why do you always look at me like this stuff is my fault?
Shaenon K. Garrity is a manga editor at Viz Media and is best known for her webcomics Narbonic and Skin Horse.
All the Comics in the World is © Shaenon K. Garrity, 2010
